Personality Disorder

People in the mental health community, both people with mental health issues and people who advocate for them, have been working pretty hard over the past few years to change the narrative around mental health and dating. To change the language around dating so that it doesn't just blame the mentally ill person for everything in the relationship. So that the weight of carrying the relationship is on all people involved. That the burden of understanding and self-correction is on all people involved.

The exception seems to be personality disorders. The "advice" around dating people with personality disorders is all about managing their symptoms, controlling their ability to hurt you, I even saw one talking about using compliments as rewards for good behavior and I want to scream. People want to say that personality disorders make you manipulative, but that's the most manipulative bullshit I've ever heard. Your partner is an adult and doesn't need to be treated like a child or an unruly puppy.

So this is my reminder to you, gentle reader: a mental illness makes someone hurt.

It makes them tired. It makes them feel big things. Try to remember that the troubling symptoms you are seeing are not just symptoms of mental illness, they are symptoms of pain. They are coping mechanisms for pain and fear. No, those coping mechanisms shouldn't be allowed to hurt you, but if all you're doing is managing symptoms and expecting your partner to change or control themselves, you're setting both of you up for failure.

"Try Harder"

This country’s stupid, self-congratulatory bootstraps ideology is damaging to literally everyone, but especially people in historically disadvantaged minority populations and the mentally and/or physically disabled.

“Just try harder” isn’t always an option, and it isn’t often a solution, and it keeps people from the rest, accommodations, and medical care that they deserve. You can’t just try hard enough to ignore your mental illness or chronic pain or the long term effects of systemic racism, and if by some miracle you do, it might come at great personal cost.

Instead of saying “just try harder,” maybe ask “what would help?” or “what are you capable of?” or “what unique skills and perspective does this person bring to this situation because of who they are?” or “why do I think this person’s value is based in their physical, mental, or financially ability?”

"Zombie" - Fuck That

I’m so so so fucking tired of the “meds will make you a zombie” trope. Every time I hear someone who is not on meds for mental illness talk about how meds make you into a zombie, I want to scream. It’s a narrative that keeps people from life saving treatment. It’s a narrative that shames people for seeking that treatment and depending on it.

Medication can help. It can also hurt. You know who can figure that difference out? Your doctor and you. That’s it. If it’s not working, talk to your doctor. If you don’t like how it feels, talk to your doctor. If you don’t want to rely on medication, talk to your doctor and your therapist about alternative treatment options and coping mechanisms. If your doctor isn’t listening, fuck that doctor.

But don’t stay away from meds just because some shitty neurotypical person in your life or shitty neurotypical TV show or book tells you that medication will make you a zombie or take away your edge or make you less of who you are. Your illness is not who you are.
But don’t stay away from meds just because some shitty neurotypical person in your life or shitty neurotypical TV show or book tells you that medication will make you a zombie or take away your edge or make you less of who you are. Your illness is not who you are.

Toxic Masculinity

I’ve just about had it up to my eyeballs with toxic masculinity, gender policing, and the idea that men can only go to women for emotional labor rather than themselves or other men.

Today has been really trying to piss me off on this one particular topic and I’m done.

Men should have feelings. Men should be able to talk about feelings, particularly with other men. Men should be responsible for their own emotional health. Men should be aware of the emotional labor they are asking their partner to perform and make sure they are offering that emotional labor back.

“Being a man” should not preclude taking care of your family or your house or cleaning or giving your kid a bath or hugging your mom or your brother or your son. It shouldn’t preclude being sad when something bad happens. It shouldn’t preclude seeking professional help for depression or other painful things.

When was the last time you asked your wife if she’d had a rough day?

When was the last time you asked your buddy if he was happy in his relationship or if he was struggling with anything at work?

When was the last time you hugged your son or let him cry without making him feel bad about it?

When was the last time you let your kid play with what they wanted to play with whether it aligned with stereotypical gender roles or not?

Mental Health isn't Violent

PSYCHOSIS DOESNT MAKE YOU VIOLENT

MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE ARE NOT INHERENTLY VIOLENT

VIOLENCE IS A SYMPTOM OF SKEWED MORALS AND A DESIRE TO DO VIOLENCE 

(and a society that promotes, values, and does not adequately protect against violence)