Leveling Out

Feb 2018

So some of you know this and some don’t- my med combination has been screwy for about a month now because of a well-known but (on my part) poorly understood reaction between my stuff and something I started taking.

It’s been a hard month, the same kind of hard that things used to get before meds. I’ve learned that I have better coping mechanisms than I used to, and a really good support system, but still... better living through chemistry, my friends.

Saw my doctor yesterday, and we’re getting things fixed. Hopefully it will be a quick fix, but if not that, then hopefully a thorough one.

You Should Have Seen The Day When...

Sometimes mental health recovery is scary because there are people now that have only really known me as this more stable, more together version of myself. And I worry sometimes that the bad days will come back and those people won’t know that this is still good and that’s still nothing and really you should have seen the day when...

When you maintain at what feels like a 3, and they’ve only seen up to about a 4, and you hit a day where you’re maybe at a 6, how do you say “but at least this isn’t an 8”? How do you say “I used to live at a 5, I promise this is better”?

"Zombie" - Fuck That

I’m so so so fucking tired of the “meds will make you a zombie” trope. Every time I hear someone who is not on meds for mental illness talk about how meds make you into a zombie, I want to scream. It’s a narrative that keeps people from life saving treatment. It’s a narrative that shames people for seeking that treatment and depending on it.

Medication can help. It can also hurt. You know who can figure that difference out? Your doctor and you. That’s it. If it’s not working, talk to your doctor. If you don’t like how it feels, talk to your doctor. If you don’t want to rely on medication, talk to your doctor and your therapist about alternative treatment options and coping mechanisms. If your doctor isn’t listening, fuck that doctor.

But don’t stay away from meds just because some shitty neurotypical person in your life or shitty neurotypical TV show or book tells you that medication will make you a zombie or take away your edge or make you less of who you are. Your illness is not who you are.
But don’t stay away from meds just because some shitty neurotypical person in your life or shitty neurotypical TV show or book tells you that medication will make you a zombie or take away your edge or make you less of who you are. Your illness is not who you are.

Medication Awareness

These are my nighttime meds. Allergy pill, pill to help my brain process dopamine correctly (no longer taking this one), mood stabilizers, sleep meds. This is a “for the foreseeable future” sort of regimen. This, plus my adhd meds in the morning, help keep me stable. They’ve made my life so much easier in the past 6 months than it has been in years. Medication is saving me grief and heartbreak and anxiety and struggle at work and hurting those close to me.

On some days I struggle with the idea that I’ll be taking these meds or some like them for, as I said earlier, the foreseeable future. But I felt the same way about glasses when I first got them. It is difficult to adjust to looking outside ourselves for something crucial to our safe and comfortable existence. It’s scary and frustrating that we can’t do these things for ourselves, but sometimes we just can’t.

If you need meds, remember that they are just something that helps. They're another aid. They're like therapy, glasses, orthopedic shoes, or vitamins. They're like wearing a coat in the winter because your body can’t create and maintain heat by itself in those conditions. It’s not a weakness, it’s not a burden. It’s just another tool.