One year. It's been one year.
One year since I started ADHD meds.
One year since Benjamin and I started dating.
One year since the first weekend I spent in a small 3-bedroom house in Kyle, Texas.
One year since my apartment was broken into.
One year since I met Jakal.
It's been one hell of a year.
I am a being made of stories and milestones. I will take almost any moment and turn it into something significant. I spend a lot of time considering my life Before something and After something. I separate my life into little pieces trying to understand it better by examining it closely. Trying to understand myself better.
I think part of the motivation of this impulse is my complicated relationship with time (thanks, ADHD. Thanks, trauma.) I struggle to see the past in the right light, I struggle to believe in the future in any solid way. So I drop milestones like breadcrumbs, hoping that if I stand here, looking back over all my little pieces, that I might start to understand something. I might know where I came from, how I got here, and where to go next.
One year since I started ADHD meds. I seem to be in the lucky minority that started on the right med and stuck with it. I've increased my dosage once in the past year. There might be better options that work better with my brain, and I might explore them at some point. For now, though, these work. I know that my life has been different on medication. Most days, sitting still is a lot easier. Reading is enjoyable again. I can tell a story without getting totally lost in the weeds, although Ben and a few other people can confirm a tendency to wander. My driving is a little less reckless. I don't feel quite the same need to jump at every opportunity to get a hit of dopamine. I have some struggles with appetite, as most stimulants suppress that. I've lost about 30 pounds in the past year, and gained about 7 of it back when I started on my new antidepressant. Ups, downs, but undeniably different.
One year since Ben and I started dating. By this time last year we had been talking for 6 months already. That's how long it took me to get up the courage to ask him if dating was something we were already doing. He said yes and that he'd been thinking about it as well. I can pretty much guarantee you that he hadn't brought it up because it just hadn't occurred to him to do so. Milestones don't mean quite the same thing to him as they do to me. But it's been a year. A year of learning each other and learning ourselves together. A year of me slowly getting better at communication, slowly getting better at trust, and slowly getting better at hope. A year of Ben learning how to express love so I feel it, learning to ask me again when I say I'm okay, learning that dating a hyperactive puppy of a person is an absolute blessing even when it's kind of exhausting. A year of "I talked to Ben, and I feel better now." A year of patience for ourselves and each other. A year of stretching ourselves to accommodate the needs and desires of another person. A year of learning where we are not capable of or willing to stretch. A year of me learning to stand up for myself, to hold my needs up and say "these are important." I'm not there yet, but I'm a year closer than I was.
One year since the first time I stayed at the Kyle House. These are my people. I didn't know it a year ago, but this is my family. We are still figuring each other out, but they've been stuck with me since this weekend last year. I walked into that house, and part of my heart never left it. I couldn't have imagined this path of my life this time last year. I had already started thinking about what it might be like to live in Austin, to move closer to my people, to get a little space from home. I didn't have any clue I would be moving in with my people, however. I didn't know the home I was making, but I've spent the year making it all the same. Come September, I'll be going home.
One year since my apartment got broken into. I don't have a whole lot to say about that. It's just... been a year, hasn't it?
One year since I met Jakal. This one is off by about two weeks because I've been saving some bits and pieces for this anniversary blog. A year ago I met someone who could have disappeared into the background noise of my past. Could have just... been a blip, a little light, a snapshot of a perfect weird night. But I kept this one. Held on real tight, and here were are, a year later. Not a lot has changed between us, except that we know each other better. We're partners now, and while I can tell you the day we said it, I don't have a clue when it started. I know that a year ago I said "hey universe, this one is mine, we'll figure out the details later." That's still where we are. He have right now, we have trust that the other person makes time when they can, trust that the other person has our best interests at heart, and trust that we're going to take this one day at a time and just see what happens. I have a person who loves me and who encourages my honesty and openness and feeling at every opportunity. A year of that kind of solid, steady presence, even when it's far away, can work wonders. It has worked wonders in my life.
The past year has been hard as hell. If you're reading this blog you probably know most of it, and if you don't, there's plenty you can learn here. I had to grow up big time, and it feels like that isn't going to stop any time soon. But it has been a year of love and light and flourishing, too. May the road ahead always be smoother than the road behind, or may you be capable of handling the rough patches.
Showing posts with label positive. Show all posts
Showing posts with label positive. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 17, 2018
Tuesday, July 10, 2018
Signs of Stability
This month, I am on track to finish a bottle of shampoo for the first time since I started buying my own shampoo. I have finished an entire pen for the first time. I just finished a stick of deodorant. I'm about to finish my second tube of toothpaste ever.
These are little things. They are things that I might not admit to every person that knows me (except, well, here I am.) They are little things that are very big to me. These are the little hallmarks of emotional, physical, and mental stability that I haven't had in a long time. If I ever had them. I'm showering on a regular basis, I only own two bottles of shampoo right now, and I'm going to use this one all up before I buy a new one. The same is true of the deodorant. I kept track of one single pen for multiple months, and journaled at least a little bit almost every day. I'm brushing my teeth almost every day, a habit I only started in October of last year.
I am maintaining habits, I am staying focused, I am able to take care of myself and keep track of my belongings. I haven't lost half of everything I own since last August! Stability! It isn't perfect, my stability isn't complete, but damn. It's nice to settle into my own life a little bit.
These are little things. They are things that I might not admit to every person that knows me (except, well, here I am.) They are little things that are very big to me. These are the little hallmarks of emotional, physical, and mental stability that I haven't had in a long time. If I ever had them. I'm showering on a regular basis, I only own two bottles of shampoo right now, and I'm going to use this one all up before I buy a new one. The same is true of the deodorant. I kept track of one single pen for multiple months, and journaled at least a little bit almost every day. I'm brushing my teeth almost every day, a habit I only started in October of last year.
I am maintaining habits, I am staying focused, I am able to take care of myself and keep track of my belongings. I haven't lost half of everything I own since last August! Stability! It isn't perfect, my stability isn't complete, but damn. It's nice to settle into my own life a little bit.
Tuesday, May 15, 2018
Romantic Love
Romantic love is difficult to qualify or quantify or make any sense of. People talk about it all the time, there are songs and books and poems that all try to make sense of it. Defining it is tricky, however, and it gets more so when you start to look outside of heteronormativity, monogamy, and the relationship escalator.
I can tell you that romantic love, for me, is different from friend love, family love, puppy love... It feels like warm honey in the sun, golden and liquid. It feels like tiny fireworks going off in my brain. It is tied to a few people in my life, and it usually starts with a heavy dose of apprehension because it's something I feel all the way, every single time.
My concept of romantic love is complicated by my friend Spencer. Spencer is someone I have been friends with since April of 2012, and when we first started talking I fell head over heels for them within weeks. I expressed my interest and affection, I was gently rebuffed, and I was a broken little heap for a couple days. I revived. I recovered. I didn't lose that spark. Spencer and I lived in the same dorm freshman year of college, and I went to see them whenever I could. I listened to stories about their life and classes, I sat on their floor while they did homework, I adjusted every time they changed their name or pronouns, and listened every time they expressed their identity and orientation differently.
I expected nothing. After I asked the first time, I never again told them I wanted to date. I didn't want to date. I wanted them to be happy, to be part of my life, to thrive in their environment and relationships. I wanted to support that in any way that I could. I've spent a few years now watching Spencer from afar as they do all of these things, and as they become the person they've always wanted to become. And I still feel that spark, that liquid gold, that certainty of affection. This person will always be my person.
My love for my friend Whitney is a different kind of love. It's bright and happy and sometimes exasperated and protective. It's standing up for her when she can't stand up for herself, and it's her reminding me that my feelings are important even when I want to prioritize other people. We have steel cables connecting us across the miles and time. This person will always be my person.
Ben and Jakal are my people, too. My partners. Honey in the sun, fireworks in the brain, butterflies in the stomach affection and joy and anticipation. The building of something new and beautiful. Still learning each other, still reaching out at random times just to feel the warmth and reality of each other. Reassurance and emotional support and jokes and sharing. Building lives that entwine and entangle and converge. These are different, and they do not come with the certainty of forever, but they come with the certainty of "right now, forever." One of my favorite lines of poetry that I've ever encountered is from "How It Ends" by Andrea Gibson.
"But whatever
I can tell you that romantic love, for me, is different from friend love, family love, puppy love... It feels like warm honey in the sun, golden and liquid. It feels like tiny fireworks going off in my brain. It is tied to a few people in my life, and it usually starts with a heavy dose of apprehension because it's something I feel all the way, every single time.
My concept of romantic love is complicated by my friend Spencer. Spencer is someone I have been friends with since April of 2012, and when we first started talking I fell head over heels for them within weeks. I expressed my interest and affection, I was gently rebuffed, and I was a broken little heap for a couple days. I revived. I recovered. I didn't lose that spark. Spencer and I lived in the same dorm freshman year of college, and I went to see them whenever I could. I listened to stories about their life and classes, I sat on their floor while they did homework, I adjusted every time they changed their name or pronouns, and listened every time they expressed their identity and orientation differently.
I expected nothing. After I asked the first time, I never again told them I wanted to date. I didn't want to date. I wanted them to be happy, to be part of my life, to thrive in their environment and relationships. I wanted to support that in any way that I could. I've spent a few years now watching Spencer from afar as they do all of these things, and as they become the person they've always wanted to become. And I still feel that spark, that liquid gold, that certainty of affection. This person will always be my person.
My love for my friend Whitney is a different kind of love. It's bright and happy and sometimes exasperated and protective. It's standing up for her when she can't stand up for herself, and it's her reminding me that my feelings are important even when I want to prioritize other people. We have steel cables connecting us across the miles and time. This person will always be my person.
Ben and Jakal are my people, too. My partners. Honey in the sun, fireworks in the brain, butterflies in the stomach affection and joy and anticipation. The building of something new and beautiful. Still learning each other, still reaching out at random times just to feel the warmth and reality of each other. Reassurance and emotional support and jokes and sharing. Building lives that entwine and entangle and converge. These are different, and they do not come with the certainty of forever, but they come with the certainty of "right now, forever." One of my favorite lines of poetry that I've ever encountered is from "How It Ends" by Andrea Gibson.
"But whatever
Whenever
However this ends,
I want you to know, that right now,
I love you forever."
However this ends,
I want you to know, that right now,
I love you forever."
24 Years Old
March 21, 2018
I can hardly name all the love that has come into my life in the past year. You know who you are. Thank you.
Here’s to another one with just as many adventures and discoveries, and maybe not so many catastrophes.
Butterfly Magic
March 2018
One of the best moments of this past weekend for me, in which I celebrated my upcoming birthday (Wednesday 21st!) with my boyfriend was this:
Standing in the gem vault at the Houston Museum of Natural Science, surrounded by literal shining decadence, wearing my princess outfit that looked just as good in reality as it did in my head, listening as Bach’s Solo Cello Suite No. 5 played just loud enough. I closed my eyes and swayed to the music and felt just as good as I believed I should feel when celebrating myself and my accomplishments and survival over the past year. We’d been at the museum for 6 and a half hours, and I still liked it, myself, and Benjamin.
Sometimes magic is in little pieces, all handed to you at one time. Thank you, love, for standing in the magic with me.
One of the best moments of this past weekend for me, in which I celebrated my upcoming birthday (Wednesday 21st!) with my boyfriend was this:
Standing in the gem vault at the Houston Museum of Natural Science, surrounded by literal shining decadence, wearing my princess outfit that looked just as good in reality as it did in my head, listening as Bach’s Solo Cello Suite No. 5 played just loud enough. I closed my eyes and swayed to the music and felt just as good as I believed I should feel when celebrating myself and my accomplishments and survival over the past year. We’d been at the museum for 6 and a half hours, and I still liked it, myself, and Benjamin.
Sometimes magic is in little pieces, all handed to you at one time. Thank you, love, for standing in the magic with me.
Andrea Gibson
Jan 2018
“...you often find it easier to explain your gender by saying you are happiest on the road, when you’re not here or there, but in between. That yellow line running down the center of it all like a goddamn sunbeam.” Your Life by Andrea Gibson
On Friday I saw Andrea Gibson and I got to share the experience with Benjamin who had never heard them before, Robyn who has seen them at least twice before like me, and James whose exposure I know nothing about.
I loved hearing Andrea and seeing them, and watching the people I love enjoy them too. Thank you for giving me the exact emotional weight and emotional release I needed.
“...you often find it easier to explain your gender by saying you are happiest on the road, when you’re not here or there, but in between. That yellow line running down the center of it all like a goddamn sunbeam.” Your Life by Andrea Gibson
On Friday I saw Andrea Gibson and I got to share the experience with Benjamin who had never heard them before, Robyn who has seen them at least twice before like me, and James whose exposure I know nothing about.
I loved hearing Andrea and seeing them, and watching the people I love enjoy them too. Thank you for giving me the exact emotional weight and emotional release I needed.
Time-keeping
ADHD time-keeping: Everything happens in either 20 minutes or 45 minutes. Everything.
How long does it take to drive to that place? 45 minutes. How long will it take me to get ready for the day? 20 minutes. How long will I be in the shower? 20 minutes. (Usually not true, but that’s what my brain says.)
The truth could be 15 or 10 or 30 or 55, but no. 20 or 45 minutes. Everything.
How long does it take to drive to that place? 45 minutes. How long will it take me to get ready for the day? 20 minutes. How long will I be in the shower? 20 minutes. (Usually not true, but that’s what my brain says.)
The truth could be 15 or 10 or 30 or 55, but no. 20 or 45 minutes. Everything.
Leveling Out
Feb 2018
So some of you know this and some don’t- my med combination has been screwy for about a month now because of a well-known but (on my part) poorly understood reaction between my stuff and something I started taking.
It’s been a hard month, the same kind of hard that things used to get before meds. I’ve learned that I have better coping mechanisms than I used to, and a really good support system, but still... better living through chemistry, my friends.
Saw my doctor yesterday, and we’re getting things fixed. Hopefully it will be a quick fix, but if not that, then hopefully a thorough one.
It’s been a hard month, the same kind of hard that things used to get before meds. I’ve learned that I have better coping mechanisms than I used to, and a really good support system, but still... better living through chemistry, my friends.
Saw my doctor yesterday, and we’re getting things fixed. Hopefully it will be a quick fix, but if not that, then hopefully a thorough one.
Changing The World
Fostering radical self-love, self-care, acceptance and mutual support in my immediate social and familial circles is how I’m changing the world.
We have to take care of each other, especially right now. There’s a lot of darkness in the world, and there are a lot of people that want you to feel sad and downtrodden and helpless. Maybe I can’t stop those people, but I can uplift my own one day at a time.
We have to take care of each other, especially right now. There’s a lot of darkness in the world, and there are a lot of people that want you to feel sad and downtrodden and helpless. Maybe I can’t stop those people, but I can uplift my own one day at a time.
Language
My newest self project involves being aware of and careful with my language. I want to try to avoid using language that I know hurts people, including myself. My goal are thus:
I will mess up. I will struggle. This will be hard. But the options are "try, fail, try again" or "don’t try, hurt people." I’m going to do my best.
- I will not call myself lazy.
- I will not use ableist language, even casually.
- I will not use racist language.
- I will not apologize just because it is socially expected or easier.
- I will strive to make my language as inclusive as possible.
I will mess up. I will struggle. This will be hard. But the options are "try, fail, try again" or "don’t try, hurt people." I’m going to do my best.
2017 Recap
2017, you were a lot to handle.
I lost 2 jobs, was diagnosed with 1 mood disorder and 1 developmental disorder, had my apartment broken into and flooded, lost about 90% of everything I've owned since the beginning of high school, and cried a literally uncountable number of times.
I gained new friends, added love to my life, discovered medication and therapy that works for me, was reminded just how much my fantastic friends care about me and want to support me, got into my second apartment ever, rediscovered art and crochet, have spent a lot of time learning how to be alone (and how much I don't really like it), gave back to my community, and have spent time discovering myself and being respected for who I am. I was given the chance to celebrate birthdays and milestones. I have worked so hard to learn honesty and how to prioritize myself, and how those things are related. I proved to myself that I am a good man in a storm (literally and figuratively) and that I can handle most crises with grace even when it hurts.
I got to see Whitney for the first time since May of last year. I got to watch Robyn graduate from college. I travelled to Chicago, New Jersey, Denver and South Carolina. I got to see pictures of Charlie playing in the snow, and I got to watch as Benjamin opened the blanket I got him for Christmas and immediately buried his face in it. I turned 23 with a week-long celebration. I dyed my hair blue. I watched my sister grow. I stayed up until 5:30 in the morning talking to Veronica and Wes. I saw Welcome to Night Vale Live. I petted so many dogs. I heard my mom call me Derek for the first time. I put real money in savings for the first time ever. I got tattoo number 5. I woke up every single day, no matter how impossible that seemed the night before.
A year is too long to characterize as good or bad. It is made up of thousands of moments that sting and glow and temper and corrode. I look back with recognition of trauma, and I look back with celebration of joy. I look forward with hope, trepidation, and overwhelming determination.
I lost 2 jobs, was diagnosed with 1 mood disorder and 1 developmental disorder, had my apartment broken into and flooded, lost about 90% of everything I've owned since the beginning of high school, and cried a literally uncountable number of times.
I gained new friends, added love to my life, discovered medication and therapy that works for me, was reminded just how much my fantastic friends care about me and want to support me, got into my second apartment ever, rediscovered art and crochet, have spent a lot of time learning how to be alone (and how much I don't really like it), gave back to my community, and have spent time discovering myself and being respected for who I am. I was given the chance to celebrate birthdays and milestones. I have worked so hard to learn honesty and how to prioritize myself, and how those things are related. I proved to myself that I am a good man in a storm (literally and figuratively) and that I can handle most crises with grace even when it hurts.
I got to see Whitney for the first time since May of last year. I got to watch Robyn graduate from college. I travelled to Chicago, New Jersey, Denver and South Carolina. I got to see pictures of Charlie playing in the snow, and I got to watch as Benjamin opened the blanket I got him for Christmas and immediately buried his face in it. I turned 23 with a week-long celebration. I dyed my hair blue. I watched my sister grow. I stayed up until 5:30 in the morning talking to Veronica and Wes. I saw Welcome to Night Vale Live. I petted so many dogs. I heard my mom call me Derek for the first time. I put real money in savings for the first time ever. I got tattoo number 5. I woke up every single day, no matter how impossible that seemed the night before.
A year is too long to characterize as good or bad. It is made up of thousands of moments that sting and glow and temper and corrode. I look back with recognition of trauma, and I look back with celebration of joy. I look forward with hope, trepidation, and overwhelming determination.
Sing to the Oysters
These are two of my favorite quotes... I won’t say of all time, or out of all the books I’ve read. I’ve read a lot of books, and have a lot of favorites. But these are high on the list. These don’t make the most sense without context, but they feel sunshine-y bright, and they feel like the person I want to be in the world.
——
“He saw it in her eyes. The anguish, the frustration. The terrible nothing that clawed inside and sought to smother her. She knew. It was there, inside. She had been broken.
Then she smiled. Oh, storms. She smiled anyway.
It was the single most beautiful thing he’d seen in his entire life.”
-Brandon Sanderson, Words of Radiance
——
“God in heaven’s been raising you for this valley from the day you were born."
I was furious. He didn’t know anything about me or the day I was born or he’d never say such a foolish thing, sitting there so piously at his kitchen table, sounding for all the world like a Methodist preacher.
But then, oh, my blessed, he smiled. I guess from that moment I knew I was going to marry Joseph Wojtkiewicz—God, pope, three motherless children, unspellable surname and all. For when he smiled, he looked like the kind of man who would sing to the oysters.”
-Katherine Patterson, Jacob Have I Loved
Then she smiled. Oh, storms. She smiled anyway.
It was the single most beautiful thing he’d seen in his entire life.”
-Brandon Sanderson, Words of Radiance
——
“God in heaven’s been raising you for this valley from the day you were born."
I was furious. He didn’t know anything about me or the day I was born or he’d never say such a foolish thing, sitting there so piously at his kitchen table, sounding for all the world like a Methodist preacher.
But then, oh, my blessed, he smiled. I guess from that moment I knew I was going to marry Joseph Wojtkiewicz—God, pope, three motherless children, unspellable surname and all. For when he smiled, he looked like the kind of man who would sing to the oysters.”
-Katherine Patterson, Jacob Have I Loved
Decisions, decisions
Three kinds of ADHD decisions:
Second option makes committing to plans very difficult. It's great when trying not to buy things, but it's very bad when trying to buy things.
Third option means spiral. There’s no good outcome here. Breaking the spiral requires external input or a concentrated effort to extract oneself from the situation and make the decision later.
- *presented with 4 options*
- ADHD person: *looks at options for 30 seconds* uhh, that one.
- Someone else: Are you sure? Did you consider the potential outcomes?
- ADHD: I have never been more sure of anything in my entire life. It’s that one.
- *presented with 4 options*
- ADHD: That one, definitely.
- *thinks about it more* Yea.... still that one.
- *thinks about it more* yep, that’s the one.
- *thinks about it more* yknow I’m really not sure. I’ve done some research and it seems kind of complicated and like maybe it’s not the right answer. I’m not sure. I’m just... not gonna make a decision.
- Opt. *thinks about it more* Yeah, that one!
- *presented with 4 options*
- ADHD: Well, maybe option A, but that means this consequence so maybe option B, but option B means option A isn’t a problem, maybe option C, but option C is actively bad for options A and B, and the opportunity cost is high, so maybe option D? But that seems really hard so idk option A is sounding pretty good, but that would mean this and this and this, but option B would still mean this and this but not this and option D would get rid of all this but would mean that and that and...
Second option makes committing to plans very difficult. It's great when trying not to buy things, but it's very bad when trying to buy things.
Third option means spiral. There’s no good outcome here. Breaking the spiral requires external input or a concentrated effort to extract oneself from the situation and make the decision later.
Caring
Me: often has trouble maintaining regular meal times, is impressed when I drink a whole glass of water in a day
Also me, any time I know someone is busy or having a rough day or sad or doing literally anything: don’t forget to eat and drink water!
Also me, any time I know someone is busy or having a rough day or sad or doing literally anything: don’t forget to eat and drink water!
Thankful
Thanksgiving 2017
Okay so I made my grouchy status already, here’s the sappy one.
Today is a day to be thankful, to look at your life and be grateful for what you have. This has been a hard year for gratitude, I’m gonna be honest. But I will look at my life over the past year and extend grace to it and to myself.
I am grateful for my family. We are safe and mostly happy and mostly healthy, and that’s what counts.
I am grateful for my friends. I’ve hit some incredibly rough patches this year, and every single time my friends have stepped up to help me out. Y’all have shown me what it’s like to have a support system. Even on my hardest day what I felt most was love.
I am grateful for mental health treatment. I started seeing a psychiatrist in April, and it has changed my life. I’m on medication for bipolar disorder, something I’ve been sure I had for a couple years now. I’m also on medication for ADHD, which I never would have imagined. These things, along with therapy, have contributed to this being my most emotionally stable year in recent memory.
I am grateful for my amazing partners. Benjamin Shelton and Charlie Rossander have improved this year beyond measure, showing me love and kindness and patience and support and joy. They are both ridiculous people who remind me regularly to take care of myself and give me the opportunity to help take care of them. Between the two of them, there is nothing I have to hold alone, and nothing I feel incapable of. Thank you.
I am grateful for the sun and the clouds and the ocean and the trees and everything that reminds me to see beauty anywhere it exists.
I am grateful for my awe and my wonder and my joyous child’s heart.
Say thank you. Look at your life and say thank you.
Okay so I made my grouchy status already, here’s the sappy one.
Today is a day to be thankful, to look at your life and be grateful for what you have. This has been a hard year for gratitude, I’m gonna be honest. But I will look at my life over the past year and extend grace to it and to myself.
I am grateful for my family. We are safe and mostly happy and mostly healthy, and that’s what counts.
I am grateful for my friends. I’ve hit some incredibly rough patches this year, and every single time my friends have stepped up to help me out. Y’all have shown me what it’s like to have a support system. Even on my hardest day what I felt most was love.
I am grateful for mental health treatment. I started seeing a psychiatrist in April, and it has changed my life. I’m on medication for bipolar disorder, something I’ve been sure I had for a couple years now. I’m also on medication for ADHD, which I never would have imagined. These things, along with therapy, have contributed to this being my most emotionally stable year in recent memory.
I am grateful for my amazing partners. Benjamin Shelton and Charlie Rossander have improved this year beyond measure, showing me love and kindness and patience and support and joy. They are both ridiculous people who remind me regularly to take care of myself and give me the opportunity to help take care of them. Between the two of them, there is nothing I have to hold alone, and nothing I feel incapable of. Thank you.
I am grateful for the sun and the clouds and the ocean and the trees and everything that reminds me to see beauty anywhere it exists.
I am grateful for my awe and my wonder and my joyous child’s heart.
Say thank you. Look at your life and say thank you.
What They Need To Hear
If you only ever use “I’m just telling them what they need to hear” to mean negative or hurtful things, give that some thought. Sometimes what people need to hear, and I mean need not want, is encouragement. Sometimes they need to hear that you believe in them, that you’re proud of them, that they tried their best.
The next time you want to tell someone what they “need” to hear, consider if maybe there isn’t something else they need to hear too.
The next time you want to tell someone what they “need” to hear, consider if maybe there isn’t something else they need to hear too.
So Many Steps
You would think that getting out of your car would be a process that didn’t have that many steps to think about, but it totally does.
The frequency with which I turn my car off before I park, get all the way to open the door before I turn my car off, or try to get out of the car without taking off my seatbelt is kind of absurd.
This is the sort of thing controlled by executive function, which is a struggle for people with ADHD.
- Park,
- turn off car,
- [headlights opt 1],
- seatbelt,
- grab things,
- open door
- [headlights opt 2],
- get out,
- close door,
- lock car,
- walk away.
The frequency with which I turn my car off before I park, get all the way to open the door before I turn my car off, or try to get out of the car without taking off my seatbelt is kind of absurd.
This is the sort of thing controlled by executive function, which is a struggle for people with ADHD.
ADHD Facts
Some things I have learned about ADHD:
- ADHD people overall are more likely to get injured, for several reasons. Difficulty connecting past actions/outcomes with future actions/outcomes. Inattentiveness. Actual issues with gross motor control and balance. Also the tendency to exist in somewhat chaotic environment.
- ADHD people tend to have poor working memory. Which if you’ve ever heard me talk about my own brain, is kind of wild bc I’ve specifically described myself before as not having a lot of RAM. One of the areas in which some ADHD people particularly struggle is visual-spatial working memory. It is not an issue of short-term memory, ie- the ability to hear and repeat information, but an issue with the ability to manipulate that information once we have it. My spatial reasoning is absolutely terrible. This suddenly makes sense.
Oceans
Is it any wonder we invented monsters and gods and the end of the world, looking out over an expanse like this?
It took some of us, called us away and never gave us back. And those who returned came with stories of things we couldn’t believe or imagine.
There’s still so much we don’t know, and so much to learn, and so much damage we can do.
“There’s a line where the sky meets the sea, and it calls me.”
I Am Nice?
Something I’ve noticed lately:
When people talk about me, one of the things I hear most often is that I am nice. Consistently, this is what I hear over and over, even when I think I have not been my best self to someone or when I simply don’t think I’ve treated them with more than casual respect. Even my friends from high school, when I know I was at my toughest point, in the midst of a depressive episode for a long time, remember that I was kind to them. My college friends know and remember me to be considerate and caring. People tell me that I am bright-eyed with wonder and that I am kind.
I can live with this legacy. If this is what people know of me, especially when I do not always know it of myself, I am proud.
When people talk about me, one of the things I hear most often is that I am nice. Consistently, this is what I hear over and over, even when I think I have not been my best self to someone or when I simply don’t think I’ve treated them with more than casual respect. Even my friends from high school, when I know I was at my toughest point, in the midst of a depressive episode for a long time, remember that I was kind to them. My college friends know and remember me to be considerate and caring. People tell me that I am bright-eyed with wonder and that I am kind.
I can live with this legacy. If this is what people know of me, especially when I do not always know it of myself, I am proud.
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