The Future

I make a lot of jokes about not believing in the future, but I had a conversation yesterday that made me realize that that isn't precisely true.

I know that time passes (at least in our perception). Things come and go. I know that the future will happen.

What I don't believe in is the longevity of things. Relationships, possessions, situations, jobs, etc. None of these things stick around. I have been given a lot of proof throughout my life that this is true. This is just how life works. I'm still trying to process that information and understand how it has affected my decisions over time.

It's not that I don't plan for the future. I just don't plan for the future that depends on anything being the same.
"Am I going to live in this apartment next year?"
Who knows?
"Am I going to be working at this job in a year or so?"
No way to tell.
"This D&D game is going to last the next few months."
Bold assumption, friend.

In a few months (67 days, according to the countdown app on my phone) I will be moving in with new housemates. I'm going to be relocating from Houston to Austin. I'm going to go from living alone, as I have for the past 18 months, to living with 4 other people. I'm moving in with one of my partners. Count the ways that could go wrong.

It is a stretch for me to believe that this thing will come to pass. I am hoping for it, I am depending on it, and I have a small voice in the back of my head telling me that it won't work out. The group won't want me. Something will go wrong with my finances. I can't do this.

So many events in my life prove to me that everything is fleeting. People leave. Hurricanes eat your apartment. Your storage unit gets broken into. Your mom decides to move to Virginia. Your mom moves home from Virginia and leaves half of your stuff behind. Your best friend stops speaking to you, probably because of a boy. You kind of planned forever in this relationship, but you've been unhappy for 6 months and it finally ends. Your contract position with that company doesn't get extended.

Things end. The future is unpredictable.

What the hell do I do about that? How do I live my life with that certainty in my head?

I think that I do what I've been doing for awhile now. Stick to the old cliché: expect the best, but plan for the worst. It would be too easy for me to fall into certainty that something will go wrong. I could refuse to make plans, refuse to move forward with my life, or refuse to buy things that I know that I need because I'll just lose it later.

Instead, I'm going to work on believing anyway. I choose to look my fear of and certainty of failure in the face, and I am telling them to fuck off. I am asking a lot of myself, but I'm going to try.

My motto lately has been this: Believe right up until the moment you can't anymore. Don't leave yourself completely unprepared for disaster, but don't hold yourself back from good things.

Keep your extra silverware. Don't sell your microwave. Sell the dining chairs you don't need. Move in with your friends anyway. Trust anyway.  Accept the possibility of loss, but also accept the possibility of failure.

The future might disappoint me, but it might bring me joy.