Angry?

I tend to have a very difficult time expressing hurt feelings and a difficult time expressing anger. This is especially true when the situation involves people that I am close to or people that I respect. I am afraid they will reject me, that they will be upset with me for being upset, or that I am overreacting to the situation at hand. I am afraid that I will get anger or ridicule in response or that my hurt feelings will be an inconvenience for the other person, and that will make them less willing to spend time with me.

This usually means that I either keep the issue to myself indefinitely, which tends to foster resentment, or I talk about it only at the point where I am blowing up or breaking down. This tends to makes it a much bigger problem than it needed to be.

I’m working on it. I’m working on trusting and validating my own feelings and perception of events. I’m working on letting myself be upset, letting myself sit in those feelings and remember that being upset with someone I love doesn’t mean I don’t love them. I’m working on knowing that my hurt feelings are absolutely enough reason to talk about it, to ask for help or communication. My hurt feelings are valid and important. My hurt feelings are not a burden I am placing on someone else’s shoulders.

I’m also working on trusting the people I love. I’m working on reminding myself that these people aren’t jerks, they don’t want to hurt me, and most of them deserve the benefit of the doubt. If I trust them enough to love them and spend time with them, I need to give them the chance to fuck up or get it right.

This work is difficult and scary, but I know that it’s worth it. It will make me happier and healthier in the long run, and it will make me a better friend and partner.